Programming, Deprogramming

Recently I have been suffering from flashbacks, of being abused, and told specific things during the abuse, that formed tracks into my brain so that when A ever happened, I was ready to do B. 

I'm grieving the lifelong effects this programming has had on me: particularly on my relationships and sexuality. Any sexual abuse would be sufficient to severely affect intimacy.

When I was trafficked, the politician who was the apparent boss of the Belgian network, surrounded himself with ex-colonialists who had been forcibly returned from Congo once the country finally regained its independence from Belgium in 1962. In Congo, these Belgians had tortured the enslaved Congolese, and their gruesome tactics were useful for the network.

The Belgian rule over the Congo killed an estimated10 million people.They were enslaved for the rubber trade and mining of precious metals which personally enriched the Belgian King Leopold II and boosted the economy of the tiny, newly minted country. (Leopold’s Father, Leopold I, a German prince and Queen Victoria’s uncle, was installed as the first king of Belgium). The colonials were used to meting out cruel punishments such as hacking off hands, feet, fingers and toes.

Joseph Conrad’s book “Heart of Darkness,” attempted to address all of Western Europe for its colonizing practices, but based the insane Mr. Kurz on various Belgians he had met on his own journey along the Congo River. The story was transposed to Vietnam for the movie “Apolalypse Now” showing some of the tactics of the Belgians, including sticking chopped off heads on stakes around their properties.

The psychopaths in the network were no different, but the ex-colonials were considered rough even by their standards. They were so unpolished they were tolerated at the parties but did not enjoy respect. They often sat together and you could recognize them from their bad smell and deeply wrinkled faces looking perpetually dirty.

The politician also brought in international psychological experts, who relayed brainwashing techniques that had been developed during the Third Reich. In the Belgian network, some of those techniques were carried out by the politician himself or his minions in barns or private homes or in the woods, since there didn’t appear to exist special local facilities equipped with the latest mind control technologies. With the help of the ex-colonials, their torture techniques were however just as gruesome and sadistic than their more sophisticated network counterparts.

The politician once, when I was nine years old, picked me up from a private jet that had flown me from the US to a small airport in Switzerland and took me to a nearby lab that looked like a medical office.

Two young men, perhaps in their late twenties or early thirties, wearing white lab coats, stood at the end of the medical bed to which I was tied down by the wrists and my feet into stirrups.

One of the young men manually stimulated me while the other held a clipboard and pen. Both were staring at my privates as though I were a soulless specimen. The Belgian politician stood on the right side of my head and yelled into my ear:

"You are nothing without your man!"

"You don't exist without your man!"

The boss had a flair for theatrics, and in his signature didactic, super-authoritative voice, said:

"If your man leaves you, you're better off dead."

"If you're left by your man, you kill yourself."

"Once your man drops you, you have failed, and you should make yourself disappear."

“If you get rejected by your man, you should instantly look for a convenient way to end your life.”

I received a lot of suicide programming, but this incident was most clearly tied to the man who currently favored me, just in case he should tire of me. That man, an American billionaire to whom I had earlier been gifted by the Belgian politician, was now apparently using the big boss of the Belgian network as his gopher. He had to pick me up from airports and chauffeur me here and there. It was obvious that the Belgian boss was extremely annoyed at having to personally fulfill these lowly duties, especially for me. He was clearly furious at having to perform this particular mind control tactic, which made him all the more forceful. All elements were there; the incredibly shameful molestation and the imposed, repetitive messaging. I was all set to kill myself should I ever be rejected by “my man.”

The two young men next performed a sort of painful scrape and put the contents in a vial. Then the Belgian boss drove me on a five hour ride to Heidelberg in Germany, and left me there for a month of highly skilled, professional mind control training.

What I imagine difficult to believe about this type of abuse is all the thought that has gone into it before it is administered. It is more than premeditated; it is a highly researched system to use abuse for specific, nefarious outcomes. It is trauma induced to create perfect slave/robots who self-destruct if they fail. The colonials came with torture tactics from the years they spent as tyrannical slave drivers. The doctors and scientists of the Third Reich learned everything about trauma and dissociation to perfect mind control techniques on the following generations.

In this incident, I was forcibly stimulated with the intention to link my sexuality to an internalized, learned message to commit suicide upon romantic rejection, so that the network could keep me under their control. The intelligence of the perpetrators makes it extremely difficult to see that they are utterly ignorant. It must be the height of evil, to teach a child to self-destruct through sexual abuse. And yet as clever as it all is, and as much as my life has been impacted by the brainwashing of my abusers, it is clear that these big men were extremely afraid of children and that all their actions only speak of ignorance. How could someone engaging in this type of psychopathic abuse know anything about anything that matters? How can they begin to know themselves? Their arrogance cuts them off from the rest of humanity. They experience no joy, only unconscious pleasure in revenge for their own childhood pain. They experience no love, only the insatiable high of power.

These are the same people who control the world, and who control all of us. We are all being traumatized and brainwashed all the time, assaulted with propaganda to make sure we hold on to the superstition that we need them - the authority figures. We need to believe that without them we would be as lost as they would be without us.  We are just at the beginning of our refusal to accept the lies and wake up. Don't believe that voting will make a difference. Don't believe that 2020 will bring new answers. Don't be fooled into remaining divided from our brothers and sisters through partisanship. The leaders may pretend to differ on issues, but they unite when it comes to revoking our rights. And they unite when it comes to pedophilia. 

As a drifting teen, I liked a boy called Dirk who often hung out at a cafe where I spent much of my time. We went to a room upstairs and made out. A week later, I saw him come down with another girl. The thought "I'm going to kill myself," rung loudly inside my mind. As I sat there, determined, Dirk's older brother Stefan came over and said:

"You are not going to kill yourself!"

He was adamant, kind of yelling at me, and I was shocked. How had he even guessed?  

In most relationships, I avoided being left by leaving first. The idea that the man was my life, even if I never consciously thought this, created a discrepancy and anxiety level that I never quite could master. Added to that was shame for my dependency, as I was becoming increasingly liberated in all other areas in my life. It seemed like I should not feel this way. It seemed like I should be as strong and clear in intimacy as I am with my friends and so many people with whom I work. Whenever I was left, the thought of suicide was always there. As I have been remembering over the past few days, also always there, as by magic, were good people to talk me out of it, without me ever saying a word.

Once I had a relationship with someone who had presented as a man who would never leave; that was why I chose him. He left abruptly. Hardest about that was to fight the constant nagging thought that I should just kill myself. And, because of the way I had been left, I also thought it was normal to have this thought. I had always thought that it was normal. 

And then the thought popped up in a situation in which I was not at all being rejected. A small misunderstanding over text by a male friend had me think: "I should just kill myself.” Instantly I became anxious, but in re-reading the message I realized my mistake and finally noticed my own unreasonable and automatic thought.

With the question as to why I would have that thought and the flooding of years of having such thoughts, the memory - of the Belgian politician screaming in my ear that I should kill myself while the young man in white lab coat molested me - returned.

Psychopaths are hard to understand. But if we can grasp that everything they do is from the emotional space of their own wounded child that is completely trapped, that carries all their repressed anger and has no other outlet for all the negative feelings connected to their own abuse other than through power, it becomes possible to see how they rule by fear because they are so incredibly afraid of their own child self locked away inside themselves.

While their victim rage unleashed onto the children in the network in the most measured, calculated of ways - the same infantile rage is being unleashed onto the world, and we have to realize that those in power are very clever, sorry addicts who need us to continue to give our power up to them, so they can continue to get high, and exploit us as they were once exploited.

Politicians right and left need us as resources for consumption and production, raking in the riches for their slave masters, to feed that bottomless empty pit of those at the very top of the pyramid through endless war profiteering. They are psychopaths, liars and hypocrites recreating the large-scale emotional landscape of their inner lives - darkness and destruction - who care nothing for our well-being or our lives, and who control us in more ways we are willing to admit.  Oppressed populations have known this forever. Privilege only supports the illusion that the authorities care more about you, and that bad things happen to others. Those days are coming to an end.