Surrendered

When I was first brought to the network, I already had the habit of splitting. I had been sexually abused by my mother, molested by an uncle at age 3, and had been groomed by the couple who first brought me to an orgy - that is to say - I had been raped by the man, while the woman had hurled verbal abuse at me. I had no recollection of being a victim of such violence each morning, when my mother put a cup of hot cacao with buttered bread on the table for breakfast; I already had split off "parts" called "alters" by some. I prefer to refer to "parts" because I recognize that not only survivors have them; everyone does. No one is always fully present. Everyone has gaps in their memory. Everyone can shift and a different aspect of their personality can come forward. And sometimes these aspects are barely aware of each other, or are in direct conflict.

Once I was being taken to the network, I started splitting severely, creating different parts to cope with different aspects of the abuse. It has been in returning to these parts, breaking through the shame that kept them disconnected from my consciousness, accepting, honoring, and integrating them, that I've found healing.

The part that has given me the greatest trouble throughout my life, was the part that I was most ashamed about. This is the part that had to completely surrender to the abuse. This is the reflection of the abuser's part, which also had completely surrendered to their abuse. This part could not afford to know that anything was wrong. This part didn't think. In the complete surrender, in the union with the abuser, there was a sense of freedom - the same freedom the abusers experienced.

This part in me I call Dionysian girl, after descriptions of the wild Dionysian, drug-ridden, days-long orgies where sacrifices were offered to the God of wine and hedonism.  Dionysian girl often came out in the network after being drugged, but certain abusers required her presence without drugs. She was wild. She offered herself. She was one with the perpetrators, one in their idea that what had once happened to them was this great secret for pleasure and fun, and that what they were doing in the present was no different. This was not abuse. 

She gave herself completely to the man’s sexual pleasure. The pain of his abuse was carried by other parts, fully disconnected from Dionysian girl. She was on her own. An avid sex addict, she couldn't get enough. There was no end to the excitement, no satisfying climax. Her eyes were glistening, her cheeks were flushed, her hair was messy, she was always naked. It is the part that, if unchecked in adulthood, becomes a perpetrator. This part has no awareness of their own victimization, and can't tolerate victims. 

Dionysian girl had been carefully created, starting with the attentions of an American billionaire who had me brought to his own homes where he drugged and sexually “trained” me, using his hand or the stream from a shower head to create orgasms. The first time surprised me. He noted the time it took for me to reach orgasm and then asked me to delay it the following time. Every time, I had to learn to delay further, until I had no more orgasms. Meanwhile the drug cocktails were making me continually aroused, while the “kind” attentions of the man made me feel cared for. Dionysian girl was the sex slave aspect of the persona that was being designed and deployed for the purposes of the billionaire and the network at large.

My mother was stuck inside a similar part. She had no resistance in her complete surrender to the dark side. She felt a particular excitement in anticipation of the release in promising to take me back to the network, the words with which she could see me shiver and break down. To my mother, all men were stand-in abusers that held up the promise for her release through surrender to them through sex. 

This energy is often present in bars, when many are waiting excitedly to release such a part, perhaps through sex with a stranger who may walk through the door. Alcohol releases parts. Many women display this type of excitement when they hear about a friend’s date or encounter with a man. The same energy is palpable around stars, whom many admire or adore. Being around power augments the vague promise for the release of the beast lurking inside each of us. The stars themselves use their power so as to release that beast without getting caught.

I had been noticing excitement in myself lately. Dionysian girl took over a few times, and embarrassed me intensely. Dionysian girl had been relegated to my sex life throughout young adulthood, but I've been celibate for many years so she couldn’t express herself in her usual manner. However, she's been pushing her way to the surface in other situations, and I painfully observed myself getting excited around certain people, causing infinite shame. Shame for not being in control. Shame for acting like my mother.

The shame was difficult to break through. Because my perpetrators were unconscious, this surrendered part also has no self-awareness. The abusers also had no conscience, and in my attunement with them, Dionysian girl has no conscience either. She could never be angry with the perpetrators, because she didn't know that they were doing anything wrong.

The American billionaire, a powerful Dionysian, required complete surrender from me for the most extended period of time. During a week-long of orgies and rituals at the end of April of 1973 at his estate on Lake Como in Italy, he also experienced this excitement, which put him in that space of pleasure and release, the meager substitutes for the unconditional love and true freedom forever beyond his grasp.

He so much didn't see anything wrong with incest and child rape, that he worked behind the scenes of the world stage to normalize child abuse. His own identified state with his abuser thus honored that perpetrator, furthering the narrative that they didn't do anything wrong, ensconcing them in the annals of the history of the world by their darkest actions.

This agenda has made headway. Dissemination of drugs and alcohol is a big part of the agenda, as they release parts and encourage abuse. We are confronted with horrific stories of child abuse in the "news" every day. Pedophiles in Europe are forming groups and demand to be heard. They claim pedophilia is a sexual preference with which one is born. Meanwhile young children are undergoing sex change operations, "by choice." The prisons are filling up with pimps and pedophiles as the market is being monopolized, even as their sentences are often laughable.

We are constantly looking at perpetrators' faces, continually puzzled at how "normal" they look, while the relevant laws and ridiculous sentences when they do occur simultaneously minimize the crime. The agenda wants children to be treated the way they were before the 20th Century, as though they were little adults.

I am finally accepting Dionysian girl, finally giving her the understanding she needs - that she is just a child, who had no choice. I am finally breaking through the shame of identifying with the perpetrators, and in doing so, my anger for these men is finding expression, through her. I found release through a memory. Trigger warning: 

I remembered initiating sex with him. In visualizing myself on top of him, I saw my Dionysian girl transform into a bloody vampire, opening her mouth wide, laughing:

"So, you like Satan, do you?"

In the fantasy, Dionysian girl gleefully rips off his face, but she doesn't kill him. He'd be no fun dead, and she is all about fun and freedom. She continues to scare him by fully reveling in her true nature, finally against him instead of with him.

The empowerment I've experienced from allowing my "abuser" part to surface and be seen for what it truly is - a little girl - is quickly transforming me and the change is felt in several areas of my life. I'm having more fun with life as it is, and am more loving.  Something inside of me has softened. I am not able to be as damning, or as judgmental towards abusers as before.

Clearly without access to my own abuser part, I could not truly understand abusers. 

Clearly without access to our own abuser part, we cannot truly understand abusers, and cannot expect to create peace in the world.